Posts Tagged ‘transition to college’

by Kristina Grappo, guest blogger, TCK, and recent grad. Read Part 1 here.

Congratulations! You survived your freshman year roommate, and you have graduated onto sophomore status… This means parties in the quad, later class times in the morning, and looking at those incoming freshmen carrying 50 pounds worth of books in their backpacks thinking, “Aren’t they so cute at that age?” This also means the time has come when you can pick your own roommate.

By this time, you most likely have that person you do everything with… you to go your meals together, walk to class together, go to the library together, and go to parties together… you’re pretty much attached at the hip. That’s awesome! This is what college is all about.

Your first instinct when getting your roommate request forms will be to write your BFF’s name in with a permanent marker… but, that’s not always the best idea. Anyone who has ever been to college, or any other situation that requires you to have roommates, probably has a handful of horror stories in their back pocket about living with a best friend—either their own tales, or tales of a friend.

It’s a difficult dance living with a best friend. One thing I discovered in college—everyone is one annoying habit away from being on my s*** list. Living with people is a whole different ballgame, kids. Take it as a practice run for being married. Sometimes it can be the best thing ever, but sometimes your best friend can turn into THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER.

Here are some tips on what to do when living with your best friend.

1. Stop the madness before it even starts- ask yourself these questions to see if you are compatible BEFORE you decide to live together.

- Do we have the same definition of “clean”?
- Do we have similar sleep schedules?
- Do we have the same ideas of what is fair and considerate?
- Do we share the same friends? Do I like their friends?
- Do we have similar social lives and social schedules?
- Do we share similar study schedules?
- What are their eating habits like?
- Are they big phone talkers?
- Do they have friends who are going to be frequently spending the night?

You get the idea… The idea when looking for a roommate is not “we already get along together so well” but rather “we will live together really well,” which is a huge distinction. People have a lot of weird habits, and often times you don’t even notice until you live with them—even if you do hang out all the time. Things like dishes, laundry, and overnight guests have been the little things that have been known to destroy the best of friendships.

2. You’re going to get annoyed with them at some point- it’s inevitable. So, think of a system that works for the two of you to confront the other when habits get weird.

No matter what, I promise, you will get annoyed with your best friend while living with them. Whether she is too clean, not clean enough, chews too loudly while you’re watching TV, or her friends are over way too much, it will happen. And don’t think you’re immune to weird habits yourself. You have them too. Yea—news flash—drinking only half of your coffee everyday and then leaving it sitting out for a while is weird. And annoying. (I do that…)

So, when these things happen, and they will, discuss how you’re going to go about confronting them. Like I mentioned in my last blog “5 Tips to Surviving THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER” confrontation is not conflict—it helps prevent it! It’s so important to communicate about what is and isn’t working.

One thing that might be helpful is agreeing that all roommate concerns should be sent as an email. For those of us that get nauseous just thinking about confrontation, this has proven to work. While it could be viewed as a bit passive aggressive, if you agree to raise concerns via email in a calm, mature, and respectful manor, you might be more likely to raise something when you don’t have to do it face to face. It beats post-its on the mini fridge saying, “I hope you enjoyed eating my food last night, fatty”. It can also be seen as helpful in instances when you really have your undies in a bunch about something. This way, you can calmly write an email, go back, edit, and delete comments like “seriously, were you on crack while cooking in the kitchen last night?!”. This ensures that you don’t say anything you’ll regret (which is KEY when living with best friends).

3. Make sure to have things that are just yours.

I mean this in a number of ways. Having food in the fridge that is not open to sharing, having clothing that is off limits, but also, having activities that are just yours. Part of the hardship when living with a best friend is just the amount of time you spend together. You start to spend so much time with them that even the freckle in the middle of his forehead starts to annoy you. You’re not just hanging out with them every moment like you used to. Now, you’re also living with this person. It’s a lot for one person to handle… So having things that you do by yourself can be a life savor. Whether it is going on a run, or having a club or organization you belong to, having your own personal outlet can save your friendship.

4. Give extra positive feedback when they do something you do like.

This is one of the best ways to keep a positive energy in the room. If he does decide to finally clean the room, make sure you thank him for it. The worst feeling is when you try to do something nice for someone and they don’t recognize it. So, let him know that you appreciate him cleaning, and that it will be your turn next time. This way, you not only vocalize your appreciation, but you accept and state that next time, it’s your job.

5. Don’t hate chore charts and roommate agreements.

Every time I suggest chore charts or roommate agreements, people roll their eyes. I know– it’s very soccer mom of me to even suggest it. But, failing to plan is planning to fail!! Just be prepared for the obstacles that you and your best friend will have to overcome while living together. Ask some friends that have had to do it already how they deal with best friend -roommate conflicts. While it might sound totally lame, agreeing on what chores you will do ahead of time might save you a great deal of grief down the road.  That way, you know exactly what is expected of you, and you don’t have any “I took the recycling out the last 4 times, it’s your turn now” nonsense.

Roommate agreements where you mutually agree to only have people over Thursday through Saturday, asking before people spend the night, or having study hours can save so much drama. Believe me—there is nothing more annoying than being kicked out of your room for a movie night when you were planning on writing your term paper. It also sucks when your roommate has a term paper but you finally have a movie night planned with your a new friend from your econ class! So kids, it’s all about communication. Talk it out, write it down, be considerate, and be willing to compromise.

Living with your best friend is one of the greatest experiences in college. It can also be one of the worst. Fortunately, most problems can be prevented with proper communication and a mutual respect for one another. It’s worth putting in the time and making super lame soccer-mom charts to make sure you avoid having conflicts. Remember what I said before—college can be the best four years of your life, but only if you make them so! So get some construction paper, glitter glue, and magic markers and go crazy! It is college, after all.

Kristina Grappo, who was always the world’s perfect roommate, is a 2010 graduate of Villanova University, a Third Culture Kid, and the daughter of this blog’s owner. She has seen her share of roommates and has found that as a recent grad getting on her feet, her life with roommates is far from over.

by Kristina Grappo, guest blogger, TCK, and recent grad.

It’s freshman move-in day. You’re the first person to your room. You’re finally able to get rid of your parents. Bed Bath and Beyond trip? Check. Last minute trip to the grocery store to stock up on granola bars, Easy Mac, and Ramen? Check! Congratulations, you are officially a college student. You feel like the coolest thing since the iPad, and you start to put your Ikea Dorm Room Collection together. You think about what your roommate is going to be like, the parties you’ll go to, how you will be best friends for the next four years, even your kids will play together some day!

Then boom, your roomie walks in, and you realize you don’t want your future children anywhere near this person’s future children. And then you discover the worst part—they have a boyfriend or girlfriend who is just as annoying as your roommate. And if you’re really lucky, the boyfriend or girlfriend will still be in high school, so you get to deal with this punk that your roommate has to call every morning before her significant other goes to school at 6:30am. And your roommate will insist on staying in the room to make these calls (true story).

You try to be cool and give your roomie a chance. After all, if you’ve moved around the world and made new friends everywhere you’ve been, so how hard can this be?  But there’s just no moving forward with this person. She’s messy, inconsiderate, talks way too much, is all up in your biz, parties way too much, or even worse, just stays in the room all the time. It finally hits you; your roomie is just downright weird and annoying. What makes it worse is that you’re parents are assigned overseas, so you can’t even go home on the weekends to get away from it all. Chances are, it is very unlikely you’ll have a roommate like this. Sometimes you won’t be best friends with your roommates, but you’ll at least be friendly with them, and can easily inhabit the same jail cell-sized dorm room for a year.

The perfect dorm room? Only problem is....it's a model dorm room for prospective students. It has nothing to do with reality.

If that’s not the case though, here are 5 survival tips to surviving THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER.

1. Always be honest. You know that feeling when you keep something in for so long, and you just finally reach a breaking point and you just snap at a person? Yeaaaa, you’re gonna want to avoid that at all costs. The best way to deal with an issue of a roommate is to confront him/her before you reach that breaking point. Confrontation is uncomfortable, and always a bit scary, but it’s like cleaning: if you do it a little at a time, it’s so much easier. If you wait till it’s a huge mess, then it becomes a big task that you never get around to, and then it just stresses you out. If you confront your roommate in a respectful matter, chances are he’ll be receptive.

If not, that’s what RAs are for. Don’t be afraid to go to an RA and tell her your concerns—that’s what RAs are there for!

Example: It’s a Thursday night, and your roommate wants to have people over to your room that night to drink (which you know is totally wrong, because college freshman are not 21… right?!). And you had already planned to start writing your big paper that’s due on Monday.

You: Hey [weird roommate’s name], would it be possible to go to someone else’s room tonight? I was planning on starting my paper that’s due on Monday...

Best Case Scenario:

Roommate: Yea, sure! We can just go to [name of weird roommate’s friend]’s room.

Worst Case Scenario:

Roommate: Well we have been planning this for a week now, and there is not really anywhere else to go…

This brings me to my next tip.

2. Always be willing to compromise. Living with a stranger is tough, and it’s probably tough for your weird roommate too (although clearly, she is the one with the weird habits). But, as with any relationship, be it with a significant other, a parent, a sibling, or a friend, it’s important for you to be willing to compromise so that both of you can be satisfied.

Example:

You: Oh, okay… How about they come over a bit earlier, say 8:00, and I’ll go to the library until midnight. Would it be possible to have people leave at midnight?

Best Case Scenario:

Roommate: Yea, that should work fine!

Worst Case Scenario:

Roommate: Midnight?! That’s so early!

3. Don’t be afraid to get an RA involved. You might be surprised to find this out, but most Resident Advisers (or RAs) have been in the same situation. They are also college students themselves, and like to have fun, go out with their friends, and find a quiet place to study, just like you. Most RAs are pretty reasonable, and are there to help.

Don’t think you’re being a tattle tail—often times RAs have a sneaky way of going about things so that your roommate will never know you went to see them. They can also offer some mediation, and tips to help deal with them. Most universities offer roommate contracts that roommates create together, and I highly recommend doing this. Who knows—maybe there are things you do that annoys them. If worse come to worse, an RA can help you get a room switch, although that should be the very last option.

4. Don’t stoop to their level, no matter how tempting it might be. I can’t tell you how many times I was tempted to throw a “rager” the night before my weird roommate’s last final, just to spite her. I will admit, I have stopped cleaning, just so that she would realize how much of it I did… and let that go on for a really long time. But then, I just got super annoyed and ended up having to clean the huge mess anyway. That’s the kind of behavior that just makes things worse, and starts unnecessary gigantic fights.

When you feel the urge to call your parents overseas at 5:30 in the morning so that you can catch them on their lunch break (all while in your room, of course), that’s when you need to revert back to tip number 1. Just be honest—tell your roommate in a nice way that his behavior is not conducive to your way of living. No need to relate your dream about putting ExLax in his coffee before having to give a presentation.

5. You’re in college now, so unfortunately, that means you’re an adult, and you have to act like one. This was one of my hardest lessons in college. So, if you figure out how to do it now, it will save you a lot of anguish later on. Being an adult means dealing with your problems head on, and doing it with as little conflict as possible. One of the best things anyone can learn is confrontation is NOT conflict—it actually helps to avoid it!

So, be adult about having the worst roommate ever. Always take the high road, try to be as patient as possible (even when it might be really hard), but most of all, don’t let that weird roommate disrupt your college experience, distract you from academics and other important university activities, and ultimately destroy what is going to be a truly awesome experience. Take matters into your own hands, be proactive, and do what you need to do to make sure these four years are going to be the best of your life.

Keep in mind, too, that colleges have hundreds of other places you can be besides your room. In fact, you only really need to go there to sleep. Get involved; go to the library, the gym, an athletic or theater performance, or even just a friend’s room. These are all things that will keep you out of your room, and will enrich your college experience (and your roommate’s too, by the way). The more you keep yourself busy, the more you’ll find that you don’t even have to hang out with this person.

When it comes time to put in your room request for sophomore year, make sure you find someone that you can live with easily—and that doesn’t always mean your best friend!! More about having issues living with your best friend to come…

The bottom line is that these should be some of the best years of your life, but only if you make them so!! Don’t let tickle fights with between your annoying roommate and her equally annoying boyfriend, or maggot-infested Chinese food in your mini-fridge ruin your college experience. (Both are also true stories, BTW.)

Part of being an adult is taking charge of your own life, so tell the Worst Roommate Ever to turn down their trashy music, start doing their part, and to be considerate of you! If none of these suggestions work, we live in the 21st century people, so go on the Internet and you’ll find tons of other suggestions on how to deal with these types of people. And last but not least, don’t ever listen to that little voice in your head telling you to put the rat cadaver you dissected in Biology in your roomie’s bed.

Kristina Grappo, who was always the world’s perfect roommate, is a 2010 graduate of Villanova University, a Third Culture Kid, and the daughter of this blog’s owner. She has seen her share of roommates and has found that as a recent grad getting on her feet, her life with roommates is far from over.

by Rebecca Grappo, founder, RNG International Educational Consultants, LLC

The countdown to graduation has started! Students now know where they will be attending college, and they are busy saying goodbye to friends and hopefully, looking forward to new beginnings. Many of them have heard over and over that going to college is going to represent the “best four years” of their lives. So the expectations are high that this is indeed true! It’s a bittersweet, emotional time for everyone – parents included.

Now let’s add to the mix the experience of being a Third Culture Kid. Kids who have grown up overseas may be returning to the country of their passport to go to university. Or perhaps they are going to yet another new country, this time on their own as an international student. Yet another scenario is the TCK who will remain behind in the country of their passport to study while their parents go overseas again. No matter what the situation, major life transitions are in store for them.

I have done many presentations to students and parents at various international schools on the topic of transition to college, and have written several articles about the topic as well. It is very important to raise awareness about the complexities of transitioning to college for any student, but especially the TCK. They not only have to adjust to life as a college/university student, but also as one who may not always feel perfectly at home or comfortable on campus because of their TCK characteristics. Sadly, too few of them even know what that means. Therefore, I’d like to highlight some resources here that may help you and your family navigate the challenges of adjusting to university life for the Third Culture Kid/Global Nomad.

The Global Nomad’s Guide to University Transition by Tina Quick is a new book completely devoted to this topic. I blogged about attending her presentation at the Families in Global Transition conference back in March. I have had a preview of the book, which will be released by mid-June.  (I’ll be sure to alert you when has been!) It is chock-full of invaluable information, and as I wrote in my review for the book itself, it should be put in the hands of every TCK going off to university.

Maureen Tillman, a psychotherapist in New Jersey, has a practice devoted to helping students transition to college as well as helping students who do not succeed get back on their feet again. She just did a radio interview about the transitions to college which you can listen to on iTunes. (The first few minutes are chatter, but the interview will follow, I promise!)  She also blogs for the New York Times, and has a practice called “College with Confidence”.
Then for TCKs returning to the U.S. (though I’m sure any TCK would be welcome!), there are summer transition sessions for high school and college age TCKs run by Interaction International.

For information about sending your child to college from overseas, check out my article  that was published in the AFSA Foreign Service Journal (June 2008) called Flying Solo – Going to College from Overseas: A Guide for Parents.

For practical tips on adjusting to college from other TCKs, read TCKs and College/University: From Overseas to Undergrad that was featured on the expatwomen.com website. I especially enjoyed writing that article, as many of the TCKs interviewed were former students of mine from my years of teaching overseas.

I also have information about  transition to college from a parent perspective gathered on my website. From the College Resources page, scroll down to “Parent Resources”.

Lastly, though there are hundreds of issues that kids and parents need to be aware of, I have found that many students do not have much experience handling their personal finances when they go to college, nor do they really understand basic credit instruments. Here is a resource for students that will give them the basics about credit education.

Hopefully, your children will transition smoothly! If not, know that there are many resources as well as caring, knowledgeable, and experienced professionals out there who can help.

And if you start to get too weepy about your child leaving home, just remember. This is exactly where you wanted them to be at this stage of their lives. They’re going off to college most likely because you’ve also been successful as a parent. So rejoice that you have the opportunity to see them launched!

For more information about college planning services, or presentations on TCKs or college-related topics, please contact me.