Archive for the ‘Struggling Teens’ Category

A colleague asked me that question this morning. Seems the young man she is working with is “not working up to his potential”. I see this so often that I am dropping everything to write about this very important topic.

I work with all kinds of kids, from the superstars going to top tier colleges to kids who are barely in line to graduate.

And guess what. I love them all.

Each and every one of these kids has gifts to share – if we don’t pay attention, then we are in danger of losing the kid as well as all that he/she can give to the world.

When I get a student like this, the first thing I want to know is why….why are they D students? Here are some of the possibilities:

• There is an undiagnosed or unaddressed learning issue. Has the student ever has a solid psycho-educational evaluation to find out learning strengths/weaknesses?

• Maybe the student has ADHD or other attentional issues. Did you know that anxiety is also something that might seem like ADHD but is not? Or that maybe it co-occurs with ADHD? Think about it – a student that is nervous or upset about a learning or personal situation is not going to be able to concentrate. So it’s important to tease out what’s ADHD and what’s an underlying psychological issue.

• Anxiety is paralyzing. I have seen too many bright kids who can’t think or perform when they are feeling anxious.

• Maybe the student has executive function issues going on – that is, he/she can’t find the work they did, forget to turn it in, bring the right book home to do the assignment, etc. These are the kids who can’t manage their time and are chronically disorganized. It can come along with all of the above issues, too.

• Maybe the kid is super bright – and doesn’t feel like doing work they find meaningless. Motivating these very intelligent kids is a huge challenge. And many gifted kids also have other issues such as learning disabilities, executive function problems, attentional problems, and anxiety. So they get to struggle with all of the above. Nice combo, huh?

• Then there are kids who are oppositional, or shut down, or angry, or depressed – all of these factors will interfere with learning and attitude. Big time.

• Maybe the teen is hanging out with the wrong crowd – and starting to make some poor choices. They might also be using substances to mask their feelings because it’s too hard to cope – or they don’t see any reason to stay sober.

• And maybe they are just immature. Some kids need longer to grow up.

• What if the kid is just lazy? Then what can we do to give them a reason to have ambition, hope for the future, and improved work ethic?

• Is the student in the right educational setting? Would they respond or have their needs met better in a different school? Do they need more teachers as mentors in their lives?

• Do they have the right study skills? It’s actually surprising how many kids actually don’t know HOW to study. They stare at the book but do not know how to organize information in any meaningful way that they can later retrieve from memory. I wish every student would be required to take a study skills course.

• Do they have anything they can be proud of? Any accomplishments? Abilities? Interests? Talents? I’m always looking for our “hook” so that we can capture their positive attributes.

• Here is something else I consider to be a very important factor. Because so many of my students are kids on the move, Third Culture Kids, or globally nomadic kids – whatever you want to call them – I also see kids who are struggling with cultural adjustment issues. When I work with therapists, I want to be sure they understand what it’s like to be in transition, start over, question your identity, give up your friends, etc. This is much more serious than a lot of people think. Some kids are just not ready to move forward with their lives until they work these issues out with a professional.

One thing I am convinced of is that every one of these kids can be reached. I’ve worked with all of the above and seen amazing stories of turnarounds. But what has to happen first is to get to the bottom of what’s getting in the way of success. They rarely “just grow out of it”. And by the time they do, they have missed out on many valuable opportunities. The older they are, the higher the stakes.

So back to the original question – are there colleges for D students? How about if we reframe the question – why is the kid a D student?

The best part of my job? When I get to work with the student from the first cries for help from the frustrated parents, see the teen transform him/herself over time, and then help with their college applications. This month I’ve read several essays from “my kids” that have moved me to tears as they look back and tell their stories of transformation. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

Today I just finished reading a college essay written by one of my students about coping with learning differences in an international school that refuses to acknowledge or accept learning disabilities in its students. In her poignant essay, this B/C student writes about how hard she worked to keep up with the other students, and feared being “discovered” and expelled based on her learning needs. The blow to this hard-working young woman’s self-esteem was so forceful that she almost did not want to apply to college at all. Knowing that she has written brilliant essays by herself, learned the meaning of hard work and perseverance, and finally hit the “submit” button on the applications almost moves me to tears. We’ve come a long way in our work together.

This story will have a happy ending. I’m happy to say that almost all of my students (touch wood) have had a similar happy ending to their story. But many of them have zigged and zagged along the way, and their struggles started early in childhood. This morning I read a touching blog at Smart Kids with LD by Jonathan Mooney called “Second Grade Terrors” in which he describes feeling sick with fear when asked to read aloud as a second-grader. For this dyslexic child, it felt like a public humiliation. To avoid the situation he would get up, ask to go to the bathroom, cry, and feel like he was choking. He writes that sometimes he even thought about suicide.

Jonathan Moody’s story had a happy ending, too. As an honors graduate from Brown University,  he and his friend, David Cole, co-authored a book called Learning Outside the Lines: Two Ivy League Students with Learning Disabilities and ADHD Give You the Tools for Academic Success and Educational Revolution.

Today Jonathan Moody is a motivational speaker and has founded a non-profit organization to advocate on behalf of individuals with learning disabilities. This story and book are not only practical, but inspirational.

Learning Center Offices at one American university

To those schools who say, “We don’t take students with learning disabilities because we are college prep,” I have this to say. In the United States, any college or university that receives federal money has support for students with disabilities. Even at an Ivy League school like Brown. Students with learning disabilities can and should go to college if that is their dream and they are motivated to achieve it.

Jonathan is now spending his life drawing attention to and advocating for these kids. I understand that there are multitudes of children in the United States whose learning needs are not being addressed. I see this with my students coming from international schools, too. This problem is global. As imperfect as the special education system in the United States is at times, at least it is a federal mandate. Students in international schools, even American international schools, may or may not find learning support. Far too often I see the unwanted consequences of having an unmet learning need in this internationally mobile school population.

When unidentified or unmet learning needs are coupled with frequent moves and adjustments, often these students become at risk for lower self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, and feelings of inadequacy. Many of them can’t see that they, too, can go on to university. They feel different, or that they are failures.

In even more serious scenarios, I see some of these students engage in risky behaviors, or develop a mental health issue that sets them off course. Jonathan Moody describes how he felt as a second grader – imagine how those feelings would be magnified in an adolescent. He mentions in this blog that at times he thought about suicide. I can tell you that I work with pre-teens and teens who not only think about it, but act on it.

Help and support for these students is available. I have written about this before, so will not go into these options here.

These are serious issues that can have far reaching consequences on the life and future of a young person. But once identified and addressed, as demonstrated by Jonathan Moody and my student who submitted the essay today, the future can be bright and without limits.

Do you have a son, brother, father, husband, or other male in your life? Do you work with children? If so, I highly recommend that you read Raising Cain – Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Drs. Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. A New York Times bestseller, this book should be given to every new parent of a male baby before they leave the hospital. I would put it on the required reading list for every teacher. And I’m going to shout from the rooftops that if you only read one book this year, and you have a boy in your life, this one has to be it.

The authors of Raising Cain, who have spent their careers as psychologists working with boys, take us on a fascinating journey inside this male “fortress of solitude”. The premise of the book is that the emotional life of boys is just as rich as that of girls, but perhaps even more fragile. Our society has stereotypes that expect our boys to be brave, stoic, in control, and fearless. Therefore, too many of our boys do not learn how to express their emotions in healthy ways. The result of this stunted emotional growth plays out in every possible area of a boy’s life.

With chapters devoted to relationships with fathers, mothers, peers, girls, and “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, Kindlon and Thompson take the reader on a journey into the inner life of today’s male. They also discuss the risk factors that lead to depression, drug and alcohol use, and suicide.

The Washington Post called this book, “Brilliant….required reading for anyone raising – or educating – a boy. PBS, or the Public Broadcasting Service, made a special out of it.

So although the book is not a new release, it was new enough to me to want to share it with you.

Although this book is written with an American perspective, my work with boys from various cultures around the world has convinced me that males are in trouble everywhere. This is not a uniquely American problem, and it is one that has me gravely concerned.

Healthy expression of emotion is vital to good mental and physical health. The male perspective and experience is different from that of girls but no less important. Therefore, the more we know about it, the better we can understand, guide, mentor, and love our beloved sons, brothers, husbands, fathers, and students.