Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

A colleague asked me that question this morning. Seems the young man she is working with is “not working up to his potential”. I see this so often that I am dropping everything to write about this very important topic.

I work with all kinds of kids, from the superstars going to top tier colleges to kids who are barely in line to graduate.

And guess what. I love them all.

Each and every one of these kids has gifts to share – if we don’t pay attention, then we are in danger of losing the kid as well as all that he/she can give to the world.

When I get a student like this, the first thing I want to know is why….why are they D students? Here are some of the possibilities:

• There is an undiagnosed or unaddressed learning issue. Has the student ever has a solid psycho-educational evaluation to find out learning strengths/weaknesses?

• Maybe the student has ADHD or other attentional issues. Did you know that anxiety is also something that might seem like ADHD but is not? Or that maybe it co-occurs with ADHD? Think about it – a student that is nervous or upset about a learning or personal situation is not going to be able to concentrate. So it’s important to tease out what’s ADHD and what’s an underlying psychological issue.

• Anxiety is paralyzing. I have seen too many bright kids who can’t think or perform when they are feeling anxious.

• Maybe the student has executive function issues going on – that is, he/she can’t find the work they did, forget to turn it in, bring the right book home to do the assignment, etc. These are the kids who can’t manage their time and are chronically disorganized. It can come along with all of the above issues, too.

• Maybe the kid is super bright – and doesn’t feel like doing work they find meaningless. Motivating these very intelligent kids is a huge challenge. And many gifted kids also have other issues such as learning disabilities, executive function problems, attentional problems, and anxiety. So they get to struggle with all of the above. Nice combo, huh?

• Then there are kids who are oppositional, or shut down, or angry, or depressed – all of these factors will interfere with learning and attitude. Big time.

• Maybe the teen is hanging out with the wrong crowd – and starting to make some poor choices. They might also be using substances to mask their feelings because it’s too hard to cope – or they don’t see any reason to stay sober.

• And maybe they are just immature. Some kids need longer to grow up.

• What if the kid is just lazy? Then what can we do to give them a reason to have ambition, hope for the future, and improved work ethic?

• Is the student in the right educational setting? Would they respond or have their needs met better in a different school? Do they need more teachers as mentors in their lives?

• Do they have the right study skills? It’s actually surprising how many kids actually don’t know HOW to study. They stare at the book but do not know how to organize information in any meaningful way that they can later retrieve from memory. I wish every student would be required to take a study skills course.

• Do they have anything they can be proud of? Any accomplishments? Abilities? Interests? Talents? I’m always looking for our “hook” so that we can capture their positive attributes.

• Here is something else I consider to be a very important factor. Because so many of my students are kids on the move, Third Culture Kids, or globally nomadic kids – whatever you want to call them – I also see kids who are struggling with cultural adjustment issues. When I work with therapists, I want to be sure they understand what it’s like to be in transition, start over, question your identity, give up your friends, etc. This is much more serious than a lot of people think. Some kids are just not ready to move forward with their lives until they work these issues out with a professional.

One thing I am convinced of is that every one of these kids can be reached. I’ve worked with all of the above and seen amazing stories of turnarounds. But what has to happen first is to get to the bottom of what’s getting in the way of success. They rarely “just grow out of it”. And by the time they do, they have missed out on many valuable opportunities. The older they are, the higher the stakes.

So back to the original question – are there colleges for D students? How about if we reframe the question – why is the kid a D student?

The best part of my job? When I get to work with the student from the first cries for help from the frustrated parents, see the teen transform him/herself over time, and then help with their college applications. This month I’ve read several essays from “my kids” that have moved me to tears as they look back and tell their stories of transformation. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

As I watch the events in Egypt unfold, my thoughts are with the thousands of expat children and families who are living in Egypt as well as their Egyptian friends and playmates. Maybe others are thinking about the political implications of this open rebellion, but I’m thinking about the many families who may be ordered to leave quickly to other safe havens.

Witnessing international protests is often difficult for a child to understand

The scenario will unfold differently, depending on the family’s employer or sponsor. Some students who are dependents of diplomatic personnel may be advised or ordered to leave as soon as possible. Others families may be given the option and will have to make the difficult decision about if or when they leave, and if they should go together or separately. Single parents have their own unique concerns, too. And still others will stay put no matter what. But one thing is certain. Life has changed, no matter which scenario fits the bill.

Earlier in my career, I worked with many families who were evacuated from dangerous situations overseas, and I wrote papers and spoke to groups at conferences about contingency planning for families. My own family also experienced an evacuation under unique circumstances I won’t go into in this blog. Here are the 12 most important things I learned from those various experiences.

1. This is a stressful time for the family. If dependents leave, then chances are the employee is going to be left behind to do a job. That means that families will be separated under duress. Children and teens are going to be worried about parents, pets, caretakers, school friends, teachers, and anyone else who was a part of their world.

2. Evacuations are emotional roller coaster rides. No one knows for sure how long the situation will last – will they be away from “home” for a few weeks? months? what if they never get to go back? So that uncertainty is very taxing on the family’s emotions. A family should talk about how it will stay in touch throughout the separation, and reassure children as best as possible that loved ones  left behind will be protected and safe.

3. Some children and adolescents may not ever get to go back, or “home” again. Maybe the assignment was going to end at the end of the school year anyway, and the evacuation won’t be over before then. Maybe the job that took the family overseas will be eliminated as a result of the turmoil. This means that there could be a horrible sense of loss without proper closure. There won’t be any goodbye parties, or chances to do things “one last time”. This is a loss, and a form of grief may come out of it. It is important that this loss and grief be acknowledged.

4. For students who are about to graduate from high school, this is especially upsetting. Not knowing how long they will be separated from friends is terrible. Not being able to do all those things together as a senior class is terrible. Not  graduating with their class is terrible. Not being able to finish out their classes, and take the final IB or AP tests is terrible. I’ve seen this happen before, and even seen kids be angry with their parents about it, when it’s not even close to being the parents’ fault. Hey, that anger has to go somewhere….

5. There are going to be kids left behind, too. So yes, some kids may leave suddenly. But other kids won’t, and they’re going to feel bereft over the loss of friends, too. All of a sudden, it may feel like they are left behind in a ghost town. It may seem a bit surreal. Parents, caretakers, teachers, counselors, etc, all need to be sensitive to their needs, too. They are going to be in need of extra consolation, empathy, and understanding.

6. In times of stress, people sometimes forget to take good care of themselves. Caretakers need to take care of themselves so that they can take care of others. Teens as well as children respond to routines, structure, and reassurance that together as a family, everyone will get through this. Remember, too, that eating well, sleeping regularly, and exercising are all common sense stress management techniques.

7. Younger children may find the news especially disturbing. It’s easy for adults to stay riveted to the television or other media sources to watch the breaking news. But adults should monitor the amount of media children are exposed to, listen to their concerns or ask them for a reaction if they aren’t sharing any. Parents also need to reassure children and teens that they are there to keep them safe. Do not be surprised if children and/or teens experience some regression, anger, withdrawal, aggression, crying, sadness, or other changes in behavior. Just as adults are affected by stress, I have also seen some children and teens become physically sick from it.

8. Parents, remember that you still set the tone for the family. It’s important to be honest about events with children and teens, but always in ways that are age-appropriate. If you can remain calm and reassuring, your children will pick up on your cues. If you are a nervous wreck, then your children can become the canary in the mine, reflecting the stress that they feel from you. Therefore, make the way you deal with your own stress a priority.

9. If you have to leave, have a plan for where to go. No one knows how long an evacuation may last. It’s best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. That means finding a safe haven that will be a temporary home. Factors to consider are where the family might receive emotional support. Depending on the situation, it might be prudent to enroll the kids in school. If they need to be re-enrolled in school, then the system and classes need to be compatible with the curriculum the students were following before the evacuation. Kids who have learning difficulties may need extra tutoring to substitute for services they were receiving. High school kids may have online learning options from their school overseas, but they may not. They need to say current, though, so that they don’t fall behind. For kids with college plans, it’s important that they stay on track as much as possible.

10. Remember to take important documents with you. That includes school records, birth certificates, immunization records, marriage certificates, church records of baptisms, etc, for some denominations, legal records, and financial information. Make sure that banking details for how you will handle money have been worked out, and hopefully, a power(s) of attorney has/have already been prepared to allow one spouse to act in all legal and financial matters without the other.

11.  Not all Powers of Attorney forms work in all situations. It’s best to check. I’ve personally had problems with banking and insurance institutions when the companies wanted THEIR PoA executed and would not accept the PoA I presented. Getting new ones is not easy to do in the middle of a crisis, and I found some of these institutions showed no flexibility.

12. Find some sense of control in a situation that is beyond your control. One of the biggest contributors to stress is feeling the loss of control over your life. Allow kids to provide some age-appropriate input for some decisions. Maybe that means what’s for dinner, or what personal belongings to take, or how they will decorate their room. Older kids may want to start planning a summer reunion with best friends so that they know they will meet again. Structure and routines also help to give the family a sense of order and control in the middle of chaos.

Lastly, and I’m not going to number this 13 for obvious reasons, I advise that the family remembers to pack their sense of humor and sense of fun. Forced evacuations or separations are difficult situations. No one understands it unless they have been through it. But make fun a priority, and find the humor in even hopeless situations. Trust me, it will ease the pain.

This crisis in Egypt has affected me personally as well. I had planned to go to Cairo in two weeks to talk about Third Culture and Cross Cultural Kids in the international school context at the Cairo American College. Under the circumstances, we have had to cancel the event, and I am personally disappointed. But my thoughts are with all the people I did not get to meet. I’m thinking of how these events will affect their personal lives. No matter what side of the prism you are on, any sudden upheaval in a community’s daily life is a big, hairy deal.

I invite anyone who has experienced an evacuation, or is currently caught up in this crisis, to please post a comment. Those who have experienced an evacuation have wisdom to share that can help others. And to those who need wisdom, please pose your questions.

My thoughts are with you all.

When Bing Crosby first crooned the lyrics, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”, I wonder if he ever dreamed it would become a seasonal theme song for expats and their families!

As I watched the news last week of thousands of stranded travelers across Europe due to blizzards, I wondered how many of them were humming this tune to themselves and hoping it would not be “if only in my dreams.” I personally knew of several students as well as parents who were caught up in the mess as they desperately tried to get home to be reunited with family for the holidays.  In my mind, I could see the zig-zag patterns of movement as they each tried to reach the destination of “home” across the globe.

Mr. and Mrs. Claus wish you a Happy Holiday

Home for the Holidays

Thinking back on my own years of raising children overseas, the holidays were easiest and perhaps the most fun when the children were young and we were already “home for the holidays” in our own expat world. We brought our traditions with us. As a family that celebrates Christmas, we decorated the tree with the ornaments collected from our travels, baked all our favorite cookies, sang carols in our living room, and invited our new friends and “adopted” family into our home to share the holidays with us. Many of our “adopted” family members did not share the religious aspect of the holiday with us, but we all still enjoyed the glow of goodwill and warmth that comes from a shared joy-filled experience.

After 7 years abroad we moved back to the U.S., and those were also happy holidays. I distinctly remember the feeling of moving back into our house, and the holes for the nails where we had always hung our garlands were still there. Touching that rough spot in the wood reassured me that we were home again, and that there was some continuity in our lives after all.

Home Keeps Moving

When the last of the kids started college, my husband and I moved overseas again. Though we were returning to a country where we had lived before, most of our children’s “TCK” friends had, as expected, moved on. This time our kids were going home to mom and dad’s house – not necessarily their own home, or to a place where they still had a significant stake. We did our best to find fun things to do and make it feel like home for everyone, but there were still times when they felt like visitors to an alien land. And in fact, they were.

Time passes and life changes. Now the kids are out of college, living their own lives in various parts of the United States. My husband and I have lived in two more countries in the last three years. Our parents are aging and not able to travel. It seems our family is flung from one end of the earth to another. Gathering everyone together for the holidays is something of a logistical nightmare – as well as expensive. Friends and family who don’t live this nomadic life wonder how we manage and how we stay together. But to other expat families, our family’s scenario is not unique and is being repeated with multiple variations around the world.

The Glue

But somehow we do stay together. The beauty of family is that whether we are global nomads or stay in one place all our lives, we have a commitment to one another and to our family. That is the glue.

This year's makeshift Christmas tree

It’s not always easy, but somehow we make it work. The kids could not come to us overseas this year – so my husband and I went to them. Being overseas, we don’t have our own home in the U.S. to go home to for the holidays, so we rented a vacation home for our reunion. We made our list of things to do as soon as we got there and agreed on the things we wanted for the holiday:  a tree, some gifts, the holiday foods we like. It’s much simpler and streamlined than in years past. The important thing is that we are together. Never mind that in a basement 10,000 miles away I have 2 Christmas trees, the ornaments collected from around the world, and enough Christmas decorations to decorate a Macy’s store. Things will stay in boxes this year, just like they did last. But at least we are together.

The holidays are full of sentimental songs about being “home for the holidays”. But for the internationally mobile family, being “home for the holidays” is not always about a place. It’s a state of mind. I’ve been living the expat life now for over 30 years, and I realize now more than ever that “home is wherever we are”.

I wish all of you and your families very happy holidays, and that you feel “at home” – wherever you are.